"No Crying in the Office": How to be a Leader While Coping with Grief

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Photo by Jorge Aguilar on Unsplash

I lost my dad last month.

When we’re younger, we think about what it might be like when we have to say goodbye to our parents one day. For me, it always seemed so far away—farther than it really was. My dad had been sick for months, and we all knew that we would soon have to say goodbye. Even so, nothing could prepare me for this feeling. 

As a leader, it can be hard enough to leave work behind each day. It’s even harder to leave work behind for weeks while you mourn, spend time with family, and make any necessary funeral preparations. As someone who has recently been through this, I can tell you that you’ll feel really torn between work and family throughout the entire process.

Think of it this way, though: for me to be an effective leader for my team, I had to take some time for myself to properly heal. That way, when I returned to work, I would be able to better serve them than if I had tried to suppress the reality of what had happened. Sometimes, taking care of yourself is the best thing you can do for your team, especially one that needs a strong leader. If you don’t focus on healing, you won’t be as effective.

Here are some things that I learned throughout this process. I hope that they help you if and when you are going through a tough time. I also hope these things help you create a workplace that is safer for grief. After all, you are employing human beings.

It’s Okay (and a Good Idea) to Ask for Help

Some would describe me as a “Type A” kind of person. It’s really difficult for me to ask for help with anything. Whether it’s because I feel like I have something to prove, or if it’s because I don’t want to be a burden, I just hate asking people for things. I had to change my mindset about asking for help a few years ago.

Here’s what you can do: think about the joy that you feel when you help someone. Think about those really rewarding, happy feelings you get when someone’s face lights up and says “Thank you”. Now, imagine that when you don’t allow someone to help you, you’re preventing them from feeling that way. By refusing to accept help, you’re putting up a wall that prevents others from feeling really good. If you want to help others, let them help you!

When you’ve lost someone, your friends and coworkers will get really weird and might not know what to say or do. Just know that they truly want to help you, so ask them for help! Delegate any urgent tasks to the people on your team or your colleagues. Move back any meetings that you need to be present for. If you work directly with any clients, send an email explaining your situation and providing the contact information of someone on your team for them to connect with. Everyone will understand. Then, make sure you let everyone know how much you appreciate their help. 

The Grieving Process Takes Time

I took about a week and a half off from work to be with my family, plan for my dad’s funeral, and just be by myself. It wasn’t long enough. I wasn’t ready to go back to work when I did.

You’ll probably feel the same way when you go back to work, too. This is normal. 

Elizabeth Kübler-Ross explains the five stages of grief in her 1969 book, On Death and Dying. They are:

• Denial: refusing to accept the loss

• Anger: feeling frustrated with the situation, or with other situations

• Bargaining: thinking that changing something will reverse the loss

• Depression: feeling discouraged or unmotivated to do anything

• Acceptance: feeling more emotionally stable after coming to terms with the loss

Photo by Yuris Alhumaydy on Unsplash

Not everyone experiences all of these stages, and not in this order either. The important thing to remember is that grief is a nonlinear process that affects everyone differently. As a professional, some may feel the need to disengage from work completely, while others will welcome distractions. I mostly lean to the latter, which brings me to the next thing that I learned.

Distractions Can be Good

Some of my colleagues begged me not to think about work, let alone answer an email. They meant well, but something I found through this process was that there were times where I really needed to focus on something else. As with anything, though, there needs to be a balance. Don’t fill all of your time with these distractions from reality. Rather, think about it like taking a break from taking a break. 

Whether you’re leading an individual that is coping with grief, or coping with grief yourself, it’s important to remain flexible. Don’t get mad or feel guilty about that email being answered. You (or your employee) need to listen to your body. It will take time before you can fully dive back in, but taking a break every once in a while to perform a small task can help with that transition.

Crying (or Not Crying) is Normal

I am a cryer. I still have flashbacks of my high school softball coach screaming “There’s no crying in baseball!” when I had a minor meltdown after a line drive sailed right past me at first base. Knowing this, I knew that I would cry a lot through this process—unpredictably at that. 

Like I said before, grief is a nonlinear process. A friend of mine shared an analogy about grief that I didn’t realize how accurate it was until I lost my dad. Imagine a ball in a box. There is a red button inside the box that represents the pain that comes with grief. In the beginning, the ball is huge and hits the button over and over again. Over time, the ball gets smaller, but that doesn’t stop it from hitting the button every once in a while, hurting just as much as before.

When the ball hits my button, I cry. Not everyone cries when they feel this pain or sadness, but it’s important to remember that it can’t always be predicted. I have cried at the office. I wish I hadn’t, but doing it was better than trying to suppress it. 

You may be a leader, but you’re also human. Crying in front of your coworkers or employees shouldn’t be seen as a sign of weakness. If you’re reading this, make a promise to yourself right now that you won’t think negatively of someone that cries at work. It’s not a sign of vulnerability—it’s a sign of humanity.

Things WILL Change, and You Need to Accept it

You’ve suffered a loss in your life, and your life will inevitably change. Nothing and no one will ever be able to replace my dad; I will miss him every single day. Losing him has changed my perspective on a lot of things, and has shaped me as a leader and a professional.

Marissa Levin wrote an amazing article for Inc. about how grief changes you as a leader. To summarize her beautiful words (which I suggest you read for yourself here), losing a loved one helps you gain a new perspective as a leader. You learn to appreciate time, to take risks, to be more compassionate, and to not sweat the small stuff. 

If you’re reading this because you lost a loved one (or have a relationship with someone who did), know that it’s normal to feel ill-prepared. We may be leaders, but we are also imperfect, emotional human beings. Whether you’re looking for comfort while coping with grief, or the tools to help you lead an employee that has suffered a loss, remember that you’re not alone. Asking for help, crying, or looking for a distraction are all ways that professionals can cope with grief. Keeping these things in mind will help you become a stronger and more compassionate leader too.